Uncategorized

Should We Wait to Agree on Splitting our Assets?

bdouglasoz@gmail.com · June 20, 2020 · Leave a Comment

Going to court? Assets are valued at the time of trial. All contributions by both parties between separation and trial might be thrown into the pool by the judge.

After separation, some people want to focus on parenting arrangements first and deal with property later. There are some possible reasons for this:
1. dealing with numbers is boring or intimidating to many people, and it can be very complex if businesses or trusts are involved
2. there can be a lot of information that you need to find and put together and it’s easy to put off
3. some of the information required can be challenging to obtain if you don’t have a good filing system
4. time with the children has a far greater emotional impact

In general, it’s considered best to get a prompt start on property settlement. If you can’t settle the matter between yourselves and wind up going to court, the judge might consider that all contributions made up until the trial (over a period of several years) must go into the pool. There are several precedents for this. And remember that asset value is that at the time of trial, not separation.

Even if you don’t have significant assets, if there is an imbalance between your superannuation accounts then an adjustment might be called for, with a transfer from the larger fund to the lesser. This can only be done with a binding financial agreement (with each party represented by their own lawyer) or court orders. The language used is specific and must be perfect, so using a lawyer is recommended.

Always check with a lawyer regarding property settlement. You do not necessarily need to engage a lawyer to represent you, but legal advice is extremely important. Many lawyers will provide an initial free consultation, and there are free legal services available in each state and territory. Just google ‘free legal mysuburb’ (replace mysuburb with your suburb).

Before you see a lawyer, get your information together so you don’t waste any time or money. You will want to list all assets and debts and obtain an estimated or actual value for each. Assets include property, cars, caravans, investments, superannuation, bank accounts, estimate of value of contents of the home, work tools, hobby tools, ride on mowers, jewelry. Then list all debts, such as loans and credit card balances. List contributions made before the marriage (if you brought significant assets into the relationship), contributions made during the marriage (tax returns help), gifts from parents, inheritances, lottery winnings, etc.. Since you’ll need to agree on valuations it might be a good idea to share this task with your former partner.

It’s easier for the lawyer if you can document everything in a spreadsheet.

If you’d like a spreadsheet that will help you think through assets and liabilities let me know in the comments below.

Strategies for reducing conflict – part 3

bonnie@bdouglascounsellingandcoaching.com · February 14, 2020 · Leave a Comment

If you’ve gotten through my previous posts and have mastered ‘beginner’ and ‘intermediate’ strategies to reduce conflict with the other parent, you might be ready for some more advanced strategies.

Eliminate the Scarcity Mindset

Stop keeping track of your time with the children. A scarcity mindset can lead you to keep frustration, a deep sense of injustice or anger boiling away under the surface. It can keep you from having any positive interactions with the other parent and lead to further conflict.

Instead of pining for what you don’t have, try to enjoy what you do have in the present moment when you’re with your child. Put your phone away and focus on the children. Make sure the time you spend with your children is quality, interactive time and make every moment count. Be curious about your kids and what is going on for them.

Keeping score of the hours you’ve had versus those ‘owed’ can impact negatively on your relationship with your children without you being aware of it. If you are desperate to make every moment count or spend your time with them fuming that ‘you should have more time’, your mood and therefore your interactions with them have a high likelihood of being negatively impacted.

This might be especially difficult if you don’t have an equal time arrangement and you are the parent who spends less time with the kids. It’s not fair to you. I get it. That’s why this is an advanced strategy. But you’re an adult and I’m sure you know by now that life is NOT fair and sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes equal time is just not practical and it might not be in your control (for example, if there are court orders). What can you do to make the best of a bad situation keeping in mind the best interests of the children?

Take the case of one father who was obsessed over getting every single minute he was ‘owed’. One Friday handover was delayed because one child returned home from school camp late by several hours after the bus broke down. At handover the father couldn’t contain his anger over the injustice done to him because his time was reduced. He demanded that the mother ‘make the time up to him’ even though she had no control over the situation. She responded in anger, and the kids witnessed a nasty verbal altercation between their parents. The father then terrorised his children by speeding away and driving erratically whilst ranting and raving that he was missing out on a precious few hours with them. The entire weekend was ‘ruined’, not by the bus company but by the father’s decision to make the count of time spent with the children more important than the experience of spending time with them.

How can I improve the time I spend with my children?

Great question!

Can you be curious about your children? What do your kids enjoy doing? What do you enjoy doing? Can you find something you can all do together that you all enjoy, or can you find a way to enjoy one of their favourite activities? Can you refrain from forcing something you enjoy, that they really dislike, down their throats?

Sometimes it can be really challenging to find something you can all do together, especially if the kids are pushing boundaries and insisting they hate everything except being on technology (that’s their job, after all). Keep trying, gently, and never give up. There are a multitude of websites and books that cover this topic. Still struggling? Try a mum’s group, dad’s group, local charities often run free or low-cost parenting classes, meetup group, contact your local council or community centre, ask at the school or daycare.

If you have a very young child then you can use ‘Google’ to learn about developmental stages and interact with your child at an appropriate level. Go to the library and take out a book on baby or toddler development. Contact your maternal and child health nurse. If you put your thinking cap on you will be able to devise safe activities for you to do with your very young child. For example, at around 12 months my daughter was fascinated with opening a box, putting something inside (like a small doll), closing the box, then repeating the action over and over. We would spend 20 minutes doing that same activity. I used an old shoebox and a little toy doll. Then we went outside an played with the letterbox, which had a little door (open, put flower in, close, open, take flower out, close). Mind numbing repition, but she was learning every single moment.

Focus on things within your control, let go of everything else

Let go of worrying about, and trying to control, every moment the other parent spends with the children. This was one of the hardest things I had to master as my ex-husband always had a very different idea of what constitutes a safe activity for children than I. Worrying about the kids whilst in his care was causing immeasurable stress for me not only while they were with him but also when I worried about their next visit with him. I had to decide to just stop. I focused on teaching them how to assess situations for safety without letting on that I worried about them in their father’s care, and how to assert themselves if they felt at risk. They’re still alive and well.

When the children are with the other parent please, PLEASE, refrain from texting the other parent or calling them unless there is a true emergency. Texting/calling to ask how things are going, to make sure the child had a nappy change and bath, ask how many grapes they’ve eaten or how many minutes they’ve had with technology is intrusive, offensive and inappropriate. You would hate to have the other parent doing that to you.

Remember, you are different from the other parent. You likely have different values and different beliefs about the ‘right way’ to raise the children. You can only control what goes on in your presence, under your roof. When the children are with the other parent you do not have a right to interfere so long as the kids are not in any physical or psychological danger. The Family Law Act provides a definition of family violence and specifies that certain people are required to report to children’s services if they suspect a child may be or is in serious danger. Serious danger does not cover things like eating ‘too much’ sugar, spending ‘too much’ time on technology, not getting ‘enough’ exercise, or not eating ‘enough’ vegetables.

Let go of the idea that you ‘own’ the children

This is related to the previous strategy. They go hand-in-hand.

For whatever reason (it’s too complex to explore here), some parents seem to feel that they own the children and have the sole right to dictate how and when the children spend time with the other parent. I hear these parents use language like, ‘I let the other parent have my children…’ or ‘My children may spend time with the other parent…’. Can you hear the possessiveness? Sometimes the other parent feels so disempowered that they use similar language (e.g., ‘the other parent won’t allow me…’). Hearing people use this language makes me feel sick. I feel for both parents and the children in these lose-lose situations. Long-term use of this type of language will impact negatively on the children, so it’s best to try to stop as soon as possible.

The Family Law Act assumes equal shared parental responsibility, and that children will spend equal time with each parent unless it is not practical (or safe) to do so. The court awards one parent sole responsibility only on very rare occasions. I’ve only heard of it once and the parent who lost responsibility (the mother) suffers from a very serious mental illness where she tends to lose touch with reality (the magpies give her directions). After reviewing the mother’s quite substantial medical records the children’s lawyer refused to agree to any orders that gave the mother any responsibility for the children.

I won’t deny it, if you are the parent who assumes you have ownership of the children and power over the other parent, letting go of this belief and behaviour can be extremely hard. It takes a lot of courage. I’ve been there and I still stumble.

You might honestly believe that you are protecting your children, you might be exercising power and control and it feels good, or you are doing it for some other reason. Unless your child is in serious danger (see above) then you are not protecting them, you are protecting some part of yourself and you are unreasonably denying your child their right to spend substantial and significant time with their other parent, to learn things from the other parent that you can’t teach them, to experience things with the other parent that you can’t or won’t provide. If you know you’re doing this and just find it too hard to stop please seek help. This belief system and the accompanying language feeds the conflict fire and can be damaging to the kids’ psychological wellbeing.

Can One Person Change the Dynamics of A Relationship?

bonnie@bdouglascounsellingandcoaching.com · February 7, 2020 · Leave a Comment

Yes you can!

When things aren’t going smoothly in a relationship many of us have a tendency to blame the other for all the difficulties. OK, we might take a wee bit of the blame ourselves, but some people tend to lay the majority of blame for the bad stuff on the other.

This is completely normal. It’s a very human reaction. Mentally it can let us off the hook for taking responsibility for our own actions, give us a sense of superiority, or protect our fragile egos.

If you want to change the dynamics of a relationship, whether it’s with a current intimate partner, an ex-partner (e.g., your children’s other parent), a sibling, friend or parent, you have the power to effect change all by yourself. You do not need to attend counselling together.

I can hear you scoffing from here, at the bottom of Australia. But, it’s true.

Imagine if you confronted the other person and decided to tell them exactly what you think of them. You lay every single thing you dislike about that person out on the table. How would they react? What effect would that have on your relationship?

See, you do have power!

Now, I’m not saying that it is easy to effect change. And I’ll let you know right now that the difficulty does not necessarily lie with the other person. It is hard because it requires that you change, and change is hard.

Our brains typically reject change. We humans like routines and habits. Things we can repeat without too much effort. Our brains become hard-wired when we do the same thing over-and-over and changing that wiring takes effort. So, it’s easier just to continue doing the same thing.

I am going to tell you right now, you have to stop doing the same thing, and do something different! You need to take responsibility for your own feelings and actions, and you might even need to get over some of your tightly held beliefs about what ‘should’ or ‘should not’ happen.

First, identify the pattern of discord in your relationship, especially what you do or say that gets a reaction from the other person. It doesn’t matter whether you understand why the other person reacts or not.

Second, identify several options on what you can do differently next time and test them for soundness. How will the other person likely react? Can you really get yourself to do something different and live with it?

Third, implement your idea and monitor results.

I’ll give an example. One couple used to have bitter fights about the cupboard doors. David would open the door to remove an item and then just leave it open. Debbie would walk by, slam the door shut and make some snide comment about his inability to even close a door. This was his opening to make a comment about her inability to park the car straight in the garage, and they’d be off. They were going to get divorced because of a cupboard door.

Debbie’s thinking: He is a grown man and ‘should’ be able to close the door himself. The kids are able to manage it! She ‘should not’ need to remind him, or close it herself. Someone could walk into it and it just looks unsightly. What if all of the cupboard doors in the house were left open all of the time? You’d have to walk around them. Some doors block access to other doors or items in the house. It would be chaos!

Did you catch those ‘shoulds’? Debbie was very tied to those shoulds. They reflect some underlying beliefs she has about how the world ‘should’ work.

Some therapists might delve into power and control issues. How the power battle over the cupboard doors represents the overall power struggle in their relationship. In my experience that’s interesting, but it doesn’t help move towards solving the problem quickly.

Some thingsDebbie could try to do differently next time:

Ignore the open door. Don’t say anything. Don’t close the door. Take a couple of deep breaths (which reduce anxiety), and casually introduce a neutral topic of conversation, such as what he might like for dinner that night. If David makes a snide comment, ignore it.
Take some deep breaths. Wait a few moments and calmly close the door. If David makes a snide comment, ignore it. Say nothing or casually introduce a neutral topic of conversation.
Leaving all of the doors open in the house might be funny, but given the state of their relationship it would likely be seen as a provocation by David. She might have gotten away with that the after the first few incidents early in their relationship. But, after many years of fighting over the cupboard doors, David could easily respond by walking out of the relationship immediately.

Basically, Debbie needed to decide how tightly she was tied to her beliefs in those ‘shoulds’ and whether going through a divorce was worth hanging on to them.

She tried the second option. David actually made a snide comment: ‘What, feeling weak today? You didn’t slam it.’ She ignored it and asked him calmly and nicely if he would like to come home early from work to attend their son’s soccer match that afternoon, and would he like to drive with them so they could get some pizza afterwards. She proceeded to talk about the match, the importance to the season and how their son really wanted his dad to attend. Things moved on. He tested her a couple of times after that. But she reacted in exactly the same way. At one point he asked her in a curious, non-threatening way about her obsession with closing the doors and what happened. She simply responded that she’d decided that their marriage was more important than who closed the door so she just decided to let go of it. Eventually he began closing the doors himself (most of the time).

Can this technique work with your ex-partner? Yes! Will it be harder to do? Probably. But, if you are invested in having as good a business relationship as possible with your children’s other parent then it is worthwhile trying. Try being respectful and polite. Try to give up some of those ‘shoulds’. Try, and see what happens. If you can shift some of the negativity in your relationship everyone will benefit.

Strategies for reducing conflict with the other parent – Part 2

bonnie@bdouglascounsellingandcoaching.com · February 5, 2020 · Leave a Comment

In this post I share some more advanced strategies to help reduce conflict with the other parent. Let’s recap the last post:

Learn how to control your emotions better when you interact with the other parent. Understand the signs that you’re about to ‘flip your lid’ and be prepared to make a quick exit.
Reduce / eliminate distractions, such as whingeing children. Arrange to talk when you can give the other parent and yourself your undivided attention.
Be prepared to exit quickly if the other parent flips their lid (or is about to). Make a polite excuse, commit to engage on the topic at a later time and make sure that you follow up. Do not tell them they’re being unreasonable or to calm down.

You can read my previous post here.

Some Intermediate Strategies

Why do I call these intermediate? Becase I feel they’re harder than those in my previous post. Not that any of the strategies are easy. Let’s face it, if you didn’t get along before you separated then trying to get along afterwards is much harder. But I believe it’s worth it, for the sake of the kids and your sanity. You don’t have to like each other. You just have to do what it takes to work together to raise those kids!

Forget the past

Leave the past in the past. Avoid bringing up what the other parent did or said that offended, insulted or hurt you at any previous point in time. Don’t keep score of whose made the most insults or digs. It’s in the past. Leave it there. Nobody can change it.

Try to let the past go. Completely. Don’t think about it and don’t discuss it with anyone, not even your best friend. Why? Because talking negatively about the other parent reinforces your belief system (your BS as Steve Wells calls it). Every time you pull something out, mull it over in your head, talk about it with someone else, you reinforce negative beliefs about the other parent. You experience further stress, distress and possibly trauma. You bring this BS into every interaction with the other parent and it absolutely, 100% impacts on your behaviour.

I know it’s sooooo nice to feel validated by your friends and family, your hairdresser, your massage therapist or any other audience you can find. But it’s like gorging on a large block of chocolate. Tastes really good in the moment, but how do you feel afterwards? Try very hard to give up on this habit! If you can’t give up on it completely (and, I’ll be honest – I still have an occasional whinge about my ex about once every 3 months) then do what you can to limit it. Pick one person to speak with and limit negative conversation to less than an hour a week if you can.

Identify the other parent’s triggers for conflict

Identify what seems to trigger a negative response or even an explosive reaction in the other parent. You might not understand why they get triggered. That doesn’t matter. The point is to avoid triggering the other parent. It could be the way you say something, your tone of voice, the way you look at them, or the topic of conversation.

For example, “I want the kids this weekend because it’s my sister’s birthday” might be seen by the other as demanding. You’re thinking you made a reasonable request (since the other parent asked for the kids for their brother’s birthday a few weeks ago). Could you rephrase the request, for example ‘my sister’s birthday is on Saturday and we are having a party. Would you mind if I have the kids from 3pm Saturday until 9am Sunday?”

This strategy might take a considerable amount of honest thinking on your part. It will be hard. It might be gut-wrenching, possibly painful. Getting honest feedback from your confidants might help. If you can get them to give you written feedback then do it. Because, as you are listening to the feedback your brain will be yelling, ‘BS!!!’ As hard as it is to do, this will definitely reap rewards!

Again, what else do you have to do on your commute?

Play nice!

My mother always told us: ‘If you can’t say somethine nice then don’t say anything at all’. Saying something that you know will hurt or anger the other parent can leave you feeling really powerful in the moment. Whether you’re swearing at them, listing everything they do wrong as a parent, or threatening to not ‘let’ them ‘have’ the children (I’ll do a full post on that one later), you feel strong and empowered! At what cost?

Practice being respectful and polite to the other parent. Pretend they are your boss and you need to get along reasonably well in order to keep your job and minimise stress at work. Visualisation (on your commute to work) can be powerful. Use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and keep your voice calm. Be the best role model for your kids (even if they aren’t there).

OMG, this can be really, really hard and it can take a lot of effort to get there. But, it’s definitely worth it! The other parent might continue to behave badly for awhile, but your good behaviour will be a model for them to follow.

Adulting… two wrongs do not make a right

Act like the adult that you are. Please don’t engage in childish behaviour that’s designed to hurt or anger the other parent. It might feel really good to run your keys down the other parent’s car door when you think nobody is watching (but you’re pretty sure they’ll suspect it’s you), or even bang your car door into theirs and sarcastically yell ‘soz’ out the window as you speed away (yes, I’ve listened to parents admit to those behaviours). You might justify childish actions to yourself, telling youself the other parent ‘deserved it’. A part of you might be trying really hard to believe it. But, when you think about it, are you proud of yourself? How do you really feel? Did you just gorge on another block of chocolate? Here’s something to ponder: would you put up with your children treating others that way?

If you really believe this type of behaviour is valid then stop reading right now and don’t contact me. We can just agree to disagree on what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in this world. But, if even a little part of you is somewhat ashamed of your behaviour then own it. Work on stopping it. Get help! If you stumble, get up and try again. Practice makes perfect. Gee, I sound like my mother!

Keep an eye out for my next post which will include more advanced strategies. Are you up for it?

How to start reducing conflict with the other parent

bonnie@bdouglascounsellingandcoaching.com · January 30, 2020 · Leave a Comment

This blog post explores some basic strategies you can employ to reduce conflict with the other parent.

The Gottman Institute has been studying relationships for decades. This statistic comes from studies done on couples who are in an intimate relationship. So, I reckon the statistic would probably be very close to 100% for interactions between separated parents!

To me the message is clear. If you want a chance of having a positive, productive conversation with the other parent then don’t start aggressively. In fact, don’t let aggression enter your part of the conversation at all. Of course, this won’t guarantee a positive conversation, but it will help!

Note that these strategies do not apply where there is domestic violence. If you are experiencing domestic violence please contact a local agency that specialises in domestic violence. If you’re not sure, give me a call to discuss your situation.

How Conflict Can Happen

You might be thinking that you are never aggressive (at least until the other parent is), and you certainly don’t start a conversation aggressively so this post is not relevant to you. In every single interaction between co-parents in conflict that I have witnessed negative conversations have started when one parent interpreted something the other parent said as being aggressive, whether it was intended to be or not. In most cases, as an impartial third party, I would not have interpreted the parent’s comment, question or statement as aggressive (or negative). Yet it sparked fireworks in the other parent!

Books have been written on why this can happen. Without writing a research paper on the topic, I’ll simply describe it as a hiccup in brain processing. Somewhere along the way the original words are interpreted by the other party’s brain as something threatening. Take the typical history of conflict and hurt between separated parents, throw in a generous helping of high tension that usually accompanies their interactions, and the rational part of the brain or either (or both) can easily be flooded. They ‘see red’ and the fight, flight or freeze part of the brain (deep inside, near the top of the spinal cord) takes charge. Once that happens it can be very difficult to re-boot the rational brain so a calm, rational discussion can take place. Here’s a cute YouTube animation that explains it well and can be used with your kids: LosingControl or another more scientific explanation.

What are some things you can do to prevent this from happening? This post will explore basic strategies. I’ll add Intermediate and Advanced strategies later.

Basic Strategies

Prepare yourself for interaction with the other parent ahead of time. Yeah, I know this takes some time but what else do you have to do on your commute to work? Spend 5 minutes thinking about a time you lost it. Can you remember what you were feeling just before you flipped your lid? Internalise that sensation. If you can, try to recall multiple interactions that have ended poorly. Now, take that knowledge with you into your next interaction with the other parent and pay attention to how you’re feeling at all times. If you start to feel like you might be leading up to flipping your lid, get out of there! Be polite. You can let the other parent know that you need to think about what they’ve said. Or, work up the courage to admit you’re feeling triggered. Try saying ‘I’m sorry, but I need to take a break. Could we please discuss this over email (or text, or phone, or later in person). Make sure that you follow up.

Maintaining awareness of how you feel will be much more difficult if you’re distracted by additional stressors. For example if your phone is ringing or message notifications are coming through, the kids are talking at you, fighting or starting to melt down, your stress levels might be rising. So, try to eliminate those disctractions. If you can’t eliminate distractions then hold off what you need to say until a later time. Don’t take the chance. If the other parent tries to initiate a discussion with you about something potentially explosive and you can’t control the distractions, politely ask the other parent if you could discuss it at another time (make a time), on the phone or via text/email because you’re distracted, can’t concentrate and you want to give the matter all of your attention.

I know when my kids were acting up, crying or whingeing at handover I was unable to control my tone of voice. I would start speaking faster, louder and in clipped tones as I got more and more frustrated with the kids (being kids) and feeling obligated to interact with my ex-husband in that moment. This would trigger him, in turn, to get angry. Until I learned to ensure there were no distractions most of our handover discussions turned into heated arguments (I’m embarassed to admit that took me several years to suss out).

If the other parent is upset or flips their lid don’t tell them to ‘calm down’ or ‘be reasonable’, and don’t remind them of possible consequences or threaten them with some form of retaliation. This is just throwing petrol on a fire if they are getting worked up or have already flipped their lid. Get out as quickly and safely as possible and maintain control over your emotions. ‘I see you’re upset. I’ll go now. I’ll text you later to set up another time to talk about it’. Then leave without saying another word or taking any other action against them. If they yell at you on your way out don’t react. If you’re in danger or feel unsafe, by all means call the police! Don’t wave sarcastically, stick out your tongue or glare at them. Just leave with as much dignity as you can muster. If they send abusive text messages don’t answer. If they call consider sending it to voice mail unless you’re sure they’ve calmed down (please don’t answer if you’re driving). If they haven’t calmed down use the same tactic – ‘I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ll contact you later.’ Just hang up, don’t feel compelled to keep apologising and explaining. If you feel unsafe call the police or contact a local agency that deals with domestic violence.

These are just some basic strategies that might help you to start addressing the conflict between yourself and the other parent. Remember, nothing will change unless something changes.